There are plenty of times when singlehanded sailing is a pretty serious business - heavy weather, gear failure, fatigue, and countless other factors can make our sport all we've ever wanted to handle, and then some.  Having said that, it still should have an element of fun to it; AGMs and Mackinac Island gatherings are certainly a testament to that!

So here, with both feet solidly ashore, and tongue secured firmly in cheek, is a repeat of an email I sent out a few years ago to some fellow singlehanders.  I'd love to take credit for everything herein, but I must admit I nicked a few items from a retired naval officer's email, whose name I can't recall.  I'm therefore crediting all retired Navy officers as contributors to this, good or bad.  See you on the water soon, and enjoy!

While the efforts of Patrick Nugent have been noble to date regarding preparations for the Mac, he has left out some key elements; I would certainly be remiss if I withheld such vital information.

• Sleep on the shelf in your closet.

• Replace the closet door with a curtain.

• Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife/girlfriend open the curtain, shine a million candlepower flashlight in your eyes, activate an air horn, and yell "Roger Blough to the sailboat approaching Grays Reef!"

• Renovate your bathroom.  Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, and move the showerhead down to chest level.

• When you take showers (don't we all whilst racing?), shut off the water while soaping.

• Every time there's a thunderstorm, so sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you're nauseous.  For the full effect wear the dog's hidden fence electric collar, and go out to the mailbox and back.

• Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to high.

• Leave a lawnmower running in your living room for several hours a day to simulate recharging.

• Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

• Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.

• Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich using stale bread, if anything.  Cold soup or canned ravioli are optional.

• Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night.  When it goes off, jump out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can, run out into the yard, and adjust the tension on the clothesline.

• Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together.  Do this in the dark with a flashlight clenched in your teeth, and your wife/girlfriend occasionally dropping a plate onto the floor behind you.

• Use 24 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.

• Install a fluorescent light on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

• Raise the threshold and lower the sills on your doorways so that you either trip or hit your head every time you pass through one of them.

• Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.

• For your "after steak and merlot" dessert, prop up one side of the cake pan while it's baking.  Then spread icing really thick on one side to level out the top.  This is optional, but extra credit given for those oven-less Rearick types.

• Tether yourself to a four-wheeler, jump into a swimming pool, and have your wife/girlfriend drive laps around the pool until it runs out of fuel (the four wheeler, that is).  Should be done at night, in at least third gear, while wearing a strobe and blowing a whistle.

• Practice acquiring the sun in your signal mirror at a busy 4-way intersection.  Attempt to direct the beam down all 4 streets.  Aerobic run, which is sure to follow, will generate adrenalin similar to waiting to reef until the boat has been knocked down.

• Run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots and pans onto the floor after having previously covered the floor with BB's.  Maneuver as fast as possible between the cupboards trying to put it all away.  Must also be done at night with clenched flashlight in teeth.

• For Ron "Radio" Wells, start calling your friends at six-hour intervals and let them know where you are.

• Tether yourself to the hood of your car, and use your hacksaw to cut off the luggage rack, while your wife/girlfriend drives down a two track, at night, in the rain.

Sorry for not getting this out sooner, but much of the effect may be realized be starting your training NOW!

Cheers
Tony Driza